Not So Sweet Home Alabama

I used to want to want to be remembered, but now I'm glad that this town has forgotten all about me.

Now that I'm back here in Alabama I realize now more than ever, despite all the months I've been thinking it, that this place truly is not my home anymore. I feel so out of place in this state and this town that I could puke. All of my friends, acquaintences, enemies have all moved on or gone. They're in their apartments going to their colleges, they're pregnant at home with their 22 year old husbands, or they're marrying junkies and getting addicted to some crazy substance.

I don't know why this is all coming as a surprise to me now. I've always been out of place here. Alabama was never, ever the home for me, and I always knew. I mean, how can you be home in a state where people hound you with the stink eye for having long black hair, full pleated skirts, and dresses with loud, colorful prints?

People in Savannah are always trying to out do each other with their style and their art, but as for me, I'm just happy to be exactly what I want to be in a city that it's ok to do so. I've been able to discover so many sides of myself. Kia the Gypsy. Kia the Vixen. And I'm so anxious to uncover all of the identities that I have yet to find.

I am a Savannah girl now, and I'm proud to be. I love everything about it. I love my city's nature, her culture, her people, her Southern Gothic charm, the way she sparks life into all those who walk her streets.

I never said I wasn't a Southern girl. And now, I'm so happy to finally be home in my true Southern town.

Soul Connections

It is the general belief that we humans are only granted a handful of people in our lives that we are able to have true, lasting love with. This belief certainly applies to myself, but it goes a step farther. I believe that there are only a handful of people in this world that I can even call my friend.

I think of myself as a good, fun person who can brighten those around me, but for the most part, it takes a while for others to see that. I go out in the world to meet different people, and always find myself falling short of a connection with most of humanity. With all of my awkward quirks--my whacked humor, my horribly unfocused attention span, my scewed perspective--that I can hardly ever break through communication barriers like all others around me seem so effortlessly able.

I feel I do not make friends. They are given to me. They appear only when it's time for them to come around. All the friends I have now, I did not work to build a connection with them---our connection just happened. It's as if it was there all along, and we were just waiting to celebrate it face to face. They are my soul connections. They remind me that I am human.

Today one of my connections left Savannah after only a sort time of our eventual meeting. Even though we'd known each other for a few weeks, when I heard he was leaving I felt a great sadness. I felt I was saying goodbye to someone I'd known for a long time. The sadness came on so purely and suddenly, I couldn't deny it was there. I cried as I hugged him and said my goodbyes. It was all so organic.

It was a beautiful sadness I felt. In all these dreadful months of apathy and stagnant motivation I've felt in my creativity, my relationships, my life, today was the first time in a good while I felt one with humanity. Knowing that I could have such a connection with another human, especially one I'd known for so little time, knowing that I could be so sad to watch this person go made me feel alive. I felt one. I felt the part of the world I've been out of touch from for so long.

I treasure you, my precious soul connections. You are my breath. You remind me that I'm still standing. You remind me of the love I have to give.

Musings

Sometimes (or most of the time) it's easier to focus on the things you don't like about someone, and forget about the things you do. But we should all have learned the lesson by now, that the easy path never gives us the outcome we want.

And furthermore, if you have a problem that's causing trauma on the inside and spills over into your day to day life--those things can't be dealt with nicely. To make a drastic problem really go away, you must do something drastic to counteract it. You must do something you wouldn't normally do.

It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Suicide Theory

I feel like I've killed myself socially over and over again. If not my whole self then certainly parts of it. I've killed parts of myself with things I've said to people, ways I've reacted to situations, and disturbing phases I've gone through.

I've been thinking lately that maybe we're all killing parts of ourselves our whole lives. We all do things we can't take back. We do things that will cause a change.

Maybe we have to kill parts of ourselves in order to shed our old exterior and become something new. We die and are reborn over and over again.

Pick Me Up of the Week

I know you all will like this one! Here's some more Pogo for all of you.


Pogo-Expialidocious. This video doesn't trip me out as much as Alice does, but I think this song is very beautiful. Expialidocious was composed using a sine wave bass, custom drum sequences, and sounds from Mary Poppins. As Mary Poppins is filled with musical numbers, you can hear their beautiful singing voices throughout this video. Listening to this song not only lifts me up, but watching the video does too. It's always a special thing to be reminded about something you've forgotten. I love Disney.

A fan commented on Pogo's YouTube page, and I think we can all relate to what he says...

"I have said it once, I will say it again. You can change the world with this music man. It takes the mind somewhere when u listen, I cant explain it, its unlike anything I have experienced. Your music lifts peoples hearts. Thank You man"


I hope you all have enjoyed the Pick Me Up of Week as much as I have enjoyed posting them. Know that every week when I posted these, I genuinely hoped that it would brighten someone's day. After all my selfish actions in the past, I now find great happiness in bringing joy to other people. I hope I've made y'all smile!

To Believe or Not to Believe

Yesterday in Literary Journalism Lough asked us all to respond to different aphorisms he gave us. I chose to respond to the aphorism "If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent Him". I was proud of what I wrote. It was one of those moments where you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. I ended up having this conversation more than once yesterday so I wanted to share my thoughts...

It's far better to walk through life with belief in a divine power than it is to walk through believing nothing. We stand to gain much more by looking at the world from a mystical standpoint, pondering the cosmic mystery that is existence, as opposed to Nihilistic views that life holds no purpose and the world happened for no reason. Belief in a higher, cosmic power promotes a creative and open view of this world. Without God we would be slaves to reason, seeing the world as fact and not abstract.

I'm not Christian. I left the church when I was still in high school. I don't believe in heaven or hell, and I'm not sure if I believe the Jesus story. Honestly I don't like talking about it at this point in my life. It makes me uncomfortable. I agree with what Lough said that I am definitely in the position of "I don't know" with my religious views. I don't know, and that's all right. I spent twelve years being told what I should believe, and after it all I just want to come to my own conclusion about everything. It could take years, but I don't care. Why do I have to decide where I stand now? I've got the rest of my life.

I do still strongly believe in one thing, and that is believing. Despite how far I've fallen from my faith, I still believe in a higher power. I really do think that your life will be better off if you view the world as a beautiful, mysterious place, and ponder the signs and connections in everyday life. It's better to wrap your mind around what cosmic being created the world and all it's wonder than to believe this is all just a random accident. People can try to tell me that the world has no creator, but it won't matter. This is what I want to believe. I don't care if it isn't real.

I am Jack's hard-on.

It's been almost three years.

We weren't even in a relationship back in the time we lived in the SCAD bubble with all the other freshmen. We had amazing sexual chemistry. You gave me everything I ever wanted from a man. You made me feel the way I'd always wanted to in bed--we were perfect together. In spite of, or perhaps because of our amazing sexual compatibility, we had connection. I knew it. You knew it. But you wouldn't accept it. You wanted to look cool to your friends over having me as your partner. You treated me like shit in public to save face. You did everything you could to reject me and make me feel beneath you. You passed me up. We could've been something great together.

A year and a half later I fell in love. I no longer had to pine for you because I found someone else to fulfill my fantasies--someone who wasn't afraid to take on all the thrill and abstraction that is me. I replaced you. I moved on. I want no one else but him. Everything I have his is alone.

In the year and a half we've been together, you still won't leave me alone. I know how much you regret what you did, and I do too. I've thought about the past, and at times I do miss you. But after all that you've done I just want you to go away.

You call me late at night telling me that I'm the perfect woman. I'm the most beautiful, amazing woman you've ever been with. You tell me you fantasize about me everyday. You tell me how sorry you are for choosing your friends over me, friends you don't even have anymore. There's desperation in your voice as you tell me you'd do anything and everything to satisfy me. "No one will worship you the way I will".

I told my boyfriend about the calls. I blocked you on Facebook. I've done everything I can to break our ties forever. I won't have you getting off to thoughts of what could be again.

Today I sat down in the computer lab and worked on a computer that already had someone signed into it. After printing out my document I went to log out of the computer, and I saw your ID displayed on the log in screen.

I couldn't believe it. After all this time of trying to erase our ties to each other, we are still connected. I still find traces of you wherever I go.

Why won't this connection go away? Why are you still here after all this time?

Go away. You're history to me.