Not So Sweet Home Alabama

I used to want to want to be remembered, but now I'm glad that this town has forgotten all about me.

Now that I'm back here in Alabama I realize now more than ever, despite all the months I've been thinking it, that this place truly is not my home anymore. I feel so out of place in this state and this town that I could puke. All of my friends, acquaintences, enemies have all moved on or gone. They're in their apartments going to their colleges, they're pregnant at home with their 22 year old husbands, or they're marrying junkies and getting addicted to some crazy substance.

I don't know why this is all coming as a surprise to me now. I've always been out of place here. Alabama was never, ever the home for me, and I always knew. I mean, how can you be home in a state where people hound you with the stink eye for having long black hair, full pleated skirts, and dresses with loud, colorful prints?

People in Savannah are always trying to out do each other with their style and their art, but as for me, I'm just happy to be exactly what I want to be in a city that it's ok to do so. I've been able to discover so many sides of myself. Kia the Gypsy. Kia the Vixen. And I'm so anxious to uncover all of the identities that I have yet to find.

I am a Savannah girl now, and I'm proud to be. I love everything about it. I love my city's nature, her culture, her people, her Southern Gothic charm, the way she sparks life into all those who walk her streets.

I never said I wasn't a Southern girl. And now, I'm so happy to finally be home in my true Southern town.

Soul Connections

It is the general belief that we humans are only granted a handful of people in our lives that we are able to have true, lasting love with. This belief certainly applies to myself, but it goes a step farther. I believe that there are only a handful of people in this world that I can even call my friend.

I think of myself as a good, fun person who can brighten those around me, but for the most part, it takes a while for others to see that. I go out in the world to meet different people, and always find myself falling short of a connection with most of humanity. With all of my awkward quirks--my whacked humor, my horribly unfocused attention span, my scewed perspective--that I can hardly ever break through communication barriers like all others around me seem so effortlessly able.

I feel I do not make friends. They are given to me. They appear only when it's time for them to come around. All the friends I have now, I did not work to build a connection with them---our connection just happened. It's as if it was there all along, and we were just waiting to celebrate it face to face. They are my soul connections. They remind me that I am human.

Today one of my connections left Savannah after only a sort time of our eventual meeting. Even though we'd known each other for a few weeks, when I heard he was leaving I felt a great sadness. I felt I was saying goodbye to someone I'd known for a long time. The sadness came on so purely and suddenly, I couldn't deny it was there. I cried as I hugged him and said my goodbyes. It was all so organic.

It was a beautiful sadness I felt. In all these dreadful months of apathy and stagnant motivation I've felt in my creativity, my relationships, my life, today was the first time in a good while I felt one with humanity. Knowing that I could have such a connection with another human, especially one I'd known for so little time, knowing that I could be so sad to watch this person go made me feel alive. I felt one. I felt the part of the world I've been out of touch from for so long.

I treasure you, my precious soul connections. You are my breath. You remind me that I'm still standing. You remind me of the love I have to give.

Musings

Sometimes (or most of the time) it's easier to focus on the things you don't like about someone, and forget about the things you do. But we should all have learned the lesson by now, that the easy path never gives us the outcome we want.

And furthermore, if you have a problem that's causing trauma on the inside and spills over into your day to day life--those things can't be dealt with nicely. To make a drastic problem really go away, you must do something drastic to counteract it. You must do something you wouldn't normally do.

It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Suicide Theory

I feel like I've killed myself socially over and over again. If not my whole self then certainly parts of it. I've killed parts of myself with things I've said to people, ways I've reacted to situations, and disturbing phases I've gone through.

I've been thinking lately that maybe we're all killing parts of ourselves our whole lives. We all do things we can't take back. We do things that will cause a change.

Maybe we have to kill parts of ourselves in order to shed our old exterior and become something new. We die and are reborn over and over again.

Pick Me Up of the Week

I know you all will like this one! Here's some more Pogo for all of you.


Pogo-Expialidocious. This video doesn't trip me out as much as Alice does, but I think this song is very beautiful. Expialidocious was composed using a sine wave bass, custom drum sequences, and sounds from Mary Poppins. As Mary Poppins is filled with musical numbers, you can hear their beautiful singing voices throughout this video. Listening to this song not only lifts me up, but watching the video does too. It's always a special thing to be reminded about something you've forgotten. I love Disney.

A fan commented on Pogo's YouTube page, and I think we can all relate to what he says...

"I have said it once, I will say it again. You can change the world with this music man. It takes the mind somewhere when u listen, I cant explain it, its unlike anything I have experienced. Your music lifts peoples hearts. Thank You man"


I hope you all have enjoyed the Pick Me Up of Week as much as I have enjoyed posting them. Know that every week when I posted these, I genuinely hoped that it would brighten someone's day. After all my selfish actions in the past, I now find great happiness in bringing joy to other people. I hope I've made y'all smile!

To Believe or Not to Believe

Yesterday in Literary Journalism Lough asked us all to respond to different aphorisms he gave us. I chose to respond to the aphorism "If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent Him". I was proud of what I wrote. It was one of those moments where you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. I ended up having this conversation more than once yesterday so I wanted to share my thoughts...

It's far better to walk through life with belief in a divine power than it is to walk through believing nothing. We stand to gain much more by looking at the world from a mystical standpoint, pondering the cosmic mystery that is existence, as opposed to Nihilistic views that life holds no purpose and the world happened for no reason. Belief in a higher, cosmic power promotes a creative and open view of this world. Without God we would be slaves to reason, seeing the world as fact and not abstract.

I'm not Christian. I left the church when I was still in high school. I don't believe in heaven or hell, and I'm not sure if I believe the Jesus story. Honestly I don't like talking about it at this point in my life. It makes me uncomfortable. I agree with what Lough said that I am definitely in the position of "I don't know" with my religious views. I don't know, and that's all right. I spent twelve years being told what I should believe, and after it all I just want to come to my own conclusion about everything. It could take years, but I don't care. Why do I have to decide where I stand now? I've got the rest of my life.

I do still strongly believe in one thing, and that is believing. Despite how far I've fallen from my faith, I still believe in a higher power. I really do think that your life will be better off if you view the world as a beautiful, mysterious place, and ponder the signs and connections in everyday life. It's better to wrap your mind around what cosmic being created the world and all it's wonder than to believe this is all just a random accident. People can try to tell me that the world has no creator, but it won't matter. This is what I want to believe. I don't care if it isn't real.

I am Jack's hard-on.

It's been almost three years.

We weren't even in a relationship back in the time we lived in the SCAD bubble with all the other freshmen. We had amazing sexual chemistry. You gave me everything I ever wanted from a man. You made me feel the way I'd always wanted to in bed--we were perfect together. In spite of, or perhaps because of our amazing sexual compatibility, we had connection. I knew it. You knew it. But you wouldn't accept it. You wanted to look cool to your friends over having me as your partner. You treated me like shit in public to save face. You did everything you could to reject me and make me feel beneath you. You passed me up. We could've been something great together.

A year and a half later I fell in love. I no longer had to pine for you because I found someone else to fulfill my fantasies--someone who wasn't afraid to take on all the thrill and abstraction that is me. I replaced you. I moved on. I want no one else but him. Everything I have his is alone.

In the year and a half we've been together, you still won't leave me alone. I know how much you regret what you did, and I do too. I've thought about the past, and at times I do miss you. But after all that you've done I just want you to go away.

You call me late at night telling me that I'm the perfect woman. I'm the most beautiful, amazing woman you've ever been with. You tell me you fantasize about me everyday. You tell me how sorry you are for choosing your friends over me, friends you don't even have anymore. There's desperation in your voice as you tell me you'd do anything and everything to satisfy me. "No one will worship you the way I will".

I told my boyfriend about the calls. I blocked you on Facebook. I've done everything I can to break our ties forever. I won't have you getting off to thoughts of what could be again.

Today I sat down in the computer lab and worked on a computer that already had someone signed into it. After printing out my document I went to log out of the computer, and I saw your ID displayed on the log in screen.

I couldn't believe it. After all this time of trying to erase our ties to each other, we are still connected. I still find traces of you wherever I go.

Why won't this connection go away? Why are you still here after all this time?

Go away. You're history to me.

Dinosaur Jr.

I can't believe it took me this long to discover Dinosaur Jr. I was an idiot. Because of their name I thought they were going to be some trendy scene band. Oh the years of my life that have been wasted!! I highly recommend the album Green Mind to everyone. Their music is a sound that anyone can get into.

This video reminds me of something out of PeeWee's Playhouse. It makes me nostalgic for the 90s! I miss all the good bands and the good MTV....

Life List

When I was in my World Masterpieces class I wrote down a list of everything I wanted to do for each day of this weekend. It didn't take long. It wasn't a big list. Writing it all down made me feel a lot better about everything. When I was reading it all over I thought "This isn't that bad". In fact, I even started to wonder why I was psyching myself out in the first place.

All I need to do is STICK WITH IT and actually DO the things I say say I'm going to on each day. That has been my problem my entire time I've been at school. I always pile all my work on top of each other instead of spreading it out over the weekend. I always hate that I feel like the way I work during finals should be the way I work the WHOLE quarter.

Writing down my weekend list reminded me of another list I've been trying to keep--my life list. If you recall, my life list was one of the firsts posts I made. I wrote down all the things I want to accomplish in the near future, and said I would keep it up throughout the course of the blog. Well, as I have not kept up with my life list in this blog, I have not been true to a lot of the things I said I would do. I haven't completely slacked, now. There are a couple things I have done, but I need to be more sincere to my list than this.

I can't think of a better time than now to revamp my life list. Thinking about the things I want to do during the summer will defiantly take the edge off of finals...

LIFE LIST: THE COMEBACK

1. Write down a list of all the stories I have in mind about future Connect articles, and always have a story idea in advance.
2. Make rag dolls with recycled material.
   
3. Paint something.
   
4. Make more time for personal reading.
5. Keep ARTANDFIST hype alive through the summer.
6. Make more time for yoga.
7. Have tea time frequently.
   
8. Make my new house the best one I've lived in.
9. Keep up with my green beans, and plant more seeds in the new house.
10. Save money.

Paranoia sets in...

After a whole quarter of feeling WAY too detached from my college experience and like I've hardly done any work at all, why do finals have to come so harshly and suddenly like they always do?

I have feelings of dread I can't shake. Not only concerning finals, but in other places of my life. I have these looming paranoid feelings that I'm going to get fired from my job at Pedicab. I know it's probably an irrational fear since I've only worked two shifts, but I can't get the picture out of my head of me messing something up so bad that they fire me on the spot. I don't think I could handle that helpless feeling.

I'm worried that I won't be able to pull of everything I need to for finals. I already feel I've failed by not doing enough work at this point in the game. Are all of these thoughts I'm having real, or are they just paranoid delusions I'm creating? Am I making the delusions real by fixating on them? Maybe the best thing for me right now is not to think, and just do.

I'll contemplate it more while in my dreadful World Masterpieces class....

Pick Me Up of the Week

Because I slacked a little on getting the pick me up out this week, and I think it's been a difficult weekend for all of us with finals, I've decided to put up two pick me ups for today. I read a few blogs today that told me everyone might need it, particularly Elyse's. You're right, Elyse. The hellacious rain did make this weekend crappy. I really hope this weeks edition(s) will give all of you a spark.

I'm not much of a Chris Crocker fan, but this video never fails to make me laugh. NEVER. That gay, hissy fit tone he says everything in, and how he whips his feathered hair around while running with the camera always gets me.



The Go! Team- Get It Together. They're called The Go! Team for a reason. Every time I hear them I want to get up and be active. Their songs are great to listen to when you're sad because all of them are so happy. You can't listen to them without feeling a little perked up. Get It Together is one of their more magical songs. I love listening to it when I'm driving or when I'm outside. Everything feels so much more alive. I feel adventurous and like the world is a playground. Try listening to it and see if it makes you feel the same.

I hope everyone can find some relief during the upcoming finals week. Don't lose your head.

Affirmations

• Always rely on a happy mind alone.

• Remember to acknowledge the angry stirrings in your mind for what they are, realize that allowing them to grow will only result in suffering, and then make a free and conscious decision to respond more constructively.
  

• It's through your own anger and hatred that you transform people into enemies.

• By training yourself to look at frustrating situations in a more realistic manner, you can free yourself from a lot of unnecessary mental suffering.

• Because it is based on exaggeration, anger is an unrealistic mind.

• Problems do not exist outside your mind, so when you stop seeing other people as problems they stop being problems.

Photo: Soto Zen Buddhist Association of North America, SZBA.org

Pick Me Up of the Week

Sometimes we all just need to laugh. It's the pick me up that never fails. With that in mind, I would like to share with all of you my selection of the most epic FAIL blogs ever!! I love FAILblog. I go there whenever I want to laugh my ass off. If you need to do the same then watch these videos. They still make me laugh after all the many times I've watched them.

I love that epic Superman dive right into the ground! HA!!


I want to be friends with this guy. I'm so glad that the cops laughed at this.


Holy crap, this woman. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT TREES!! This video is the fail that keeps on giving.


That's so bad! Can you imagine being in church and seeing that happen? Wow.

And my favorites:




What a shining example of John Mayer's fan base! I hope all of you saw at least one that made you crack up. Check out the website for more FAIL-tastic hilarity. I'm also a big fan of Totally Looks Like. Some of those things are just damn clever. Enjoy!

Affirmations

Repeat these Buddhist affirmations to yourself whenever you feel taken over by anger. When I was in a disgusted state with myself and my output on the world, they helped change my life. I will keep posting more regularly so that everyone will hopefully find one affirmation that speaks to them. Anyone has the power to become a better person if they truly want to with all of their heart.

• Being patient means to welcome wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are.

• Don't expose yourself to great personal danger merely to extract petty revenge.

• "Conquer anger by non-anger. Conquer evil by good. Conquer miserliness by liberality. Conquer a liar by truthfulness." (Dhammapada, v. 233)

More to come...

A Treat for You!

Hey guys. I'm glad you all liked my last video as much as I do. Since you all dug the song, here's the site where you can go to download the free MP3 and listen to the song whenever you want!

http://www.last.fm/music/Pogo/_/Alice


Examiner.com

Pick Me Up of the Week

Alice by Pogo.This video was made by a film student under the alias of "Pogo". The trippy, electronic sound is composed 90% by sounds from Alice and Wonderland. Don't bother trying to make sense of the lines Alice speaks through the video. It's Dada. There is no meaning in what she says.

Whenever I play this song I feel like Alice slipping into another universe. I imagine myself falling through the rabbit hole and tumbling down into a sea of changing colors and cartoon images--never reaching the bottom. Whenever you want to leave this world, listen to this song with your eyes closed and watch your own Wonderland unfold. Your stress will melt away and imagination will have time to run. If you go on YouTube and look this video up, you will find a link to where you can download this song and listen to it wherever you are. Happy dreaming!

I am a Frankie Fan

Today I made the most delightful of rediscoveries--I am still, completely a Frankie Fan. It dawned upon me again when I put on my Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack for the first time in months. As soon as the opening piano chords for Science Fiction/Double Feature poured through my speakers, I smiled at the happy memories of applying drag make up in my mother's bathroom mirror, running up and down the streets of conservative neighborhoods in my fishnets and corset, and screaming orgasmically in the seats of many Rocky Horror screenings. I am alive few places like I am at a Rocky Horror masquerade. I arrive with my feet stuffed into black mary janes, my breasts stuffed into a gold sequin tube top, and my eye sight blurred by long, colorful fake eyelashes. I sing loudly and move my hips dramatically while I dance to show off my knowledge to any virgin who may be in the crowd.

I often fall into fantasies of what I want my life to be--how I want to look, act, and play. Rocky Horror Picture show falls so much in line with my fantasies. If I could live anywhere I would want to be a transsexual, Transylvanian curled by Dr. Frankenfurter's side, living only for excess and pleasure. I dream of lying on a black and white tiled floor in a psychedelic haze, covering my scantily clad body in a feather boa. I dream of taking center stage at a floor room show and singing soulfully about the darkest depths of my heart to a room full of adoring freaks. Because at Frankenfurter's lair, everything is a reason to to put on a show. I dream of smoky Zen rooms, orgies, pansexuality, half naked dinner parties--all the things that mean freedom to me.

I feel most of the time that I dream to be a work of fiction. I will never be able to be exactly what I want. All my desires of flambouancy, gender bending, ball room dance shows, free love, and never ending music and ecstacy are too wild and unnattainble for this world. The Rocky Horror Picture Show may have given me a great deal of unrealistic exceptations from a young age, but it is also the only thing that gives me a taste of the life I want. Whenever I go to a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening I feel like I'm being given a brief moment of my fantasy life. I'm in a place where many others like myself have gathered together to throw away their social norms and gender's confides for one night to engage in a night of unhibited bliss. I'm surrounded by a room full of people dressed to the tee in their finest homemade drag fashions, screaming dirty lines at the top of their lungs, stimulated at the sight of homoerotisicm and cross dressing. To love the Rocky Horror Picture Show isn't just love of a film...it's a way of life. It's a wide perspective on a world that tries to hold so many down. Maybe one day I will have my own Rocky Horror fantasy. Maybe I will be the owner of a secret lair like Frankenfurter where only other rich weirdos come to play. Perhaps I shouldn't resign my fantasies to mere works of fiction. After all, what does Frankenfurter tell us all? Don't dream it, be it.

Sweet Karma

Today I experienced the most perfect act of karma while on Tybee Beach. My friend Ken and I walked along the shore by the jetties searching for beach treasures to put in his fish tank. We had no such luck finding sea glass or pieces of hollow wood. We only succeeded in finding oddly shaped shells to make jewelry out of. We found the most perfect conch shell--completely in tact with beautiful colors, but alas there was a mussel living on the inside.

I take moments of celebration while on the beach. It has always been a tranquil destination for myself. The one thing I hate most of all is when I see trash carelessly left by tourists on the beautiful beach.

"I can't believe people are such ass holes!" I yelled at my friend ken as I gathered crushed up Coke cans, empty Capri Sun packets, and wet cigarette butts in my hands. I made many trips to the trash bin and back during our walk along the shore.

Then the universe sent me a surprise! On our walk back when we had nearly approached the boardwalk that led to the parking lot, we found a pair of Rainbow flip flops in my size lying in the sand! Rainbow flips flops are naturally made shoes featuring a lifetime warranty and high prices. I have wanted a pair for the longest time now. I can't believe these just fell into my lap! I suggest that everyone tries doing something nice for the Earth. Maybe the forces of karma will send you a lovely treat as well! ^_^

Pick Me Up of the Week

Do the Whirlwind by Architecture in Helisnki!! Watch this video when you need to smile. Not only does the song itself make me happy, but paired with this video it's cute overload! Try and be sad while watching those cute chibis dance in sync! I dare you!!

Message in a Bottle

I wrote this a long time ago for a friend that betrayed me. He and some other unnamed sources stabbed me in the back worse than I can possibly say. It all turned out to be for the best because the life I have now is wonders in comparison to how it used to be, but the hurt I experienced in the last days of my former life is something I can't forget. Even though he burned me deeply, I still think back to the wonderful memories I had with him and know they'll connect us forever. I'm putting this poem on here in the hopes that somehow it might reach him.

For Joey

In a week's time I'll forget your name
I'll forget your face and all of your mannerisms
I'll forget how you stumbled with eyes slit open to the kitchen,
pulling your falling jeans over your exposed hips

I'll forget the way you wore your hat--
pulling your free-falling mane to the nape of your neck
and perched on your forehead like a lurking crow

I'll forget the girl that stood beside you,
so quiet and peaceful in her simplicity.
And how she would stand loyally in one place with you
No matter how dearly she wanted to run

I'll forget the words you used to poison me,
and I'll forget the ones full out outstretched with love even faster

But I won't forget your bedroom floor holding onto me
that kept me from falling off the face of the earth.
Or your hands that held onto my head
to keep it from spiraling out of control from me

And I will never silence the sounds of the crashing
drums and the rippling chimes.
Nor ever unchain the reoccurring memories
that connect you to me.

Just as I am connected to you.

Pick Me Up of the Week

Hello folks. I've been trying to decide my blog's personal niche--some sort of weekly post that I can do, as I've seen some pretty great ones from everyone else. Keeping in the spirit of my blog's overall purpose (to chase my bad vibes away), I've decided on a post that I think is perfect for me: Pick Me Up of the Week. I'm going to post any videos, pictures, song lyric, or anything else I find each week that makes me instanly happy. You'd be suprised how greatly such things affect me. I can still listen to certain songs or watch certain videos and feel giddy all over no matter how I felt before.

And so, I'm going to kick off this pick me up with the most apropriate selection for this occasion. My first Pick Me Up of the Week is:



Pick Me Up Uppercut- Pop Levi

I've listened to this song for months, and every single time I hear it, it puts a spark in me. I always feel like dancing. I picture myself dancing in a room with changing lights and a disco ball, wearing a full, ruffled skirt with a fabulous print like Madonna. I can't think of any other song that makes me want to throw away my inhibitions and dance like a fool like Pick Me Up Uppercut. Try putting it on and dancing in your room when you want to chase the blues away. Dancing is one of the best, and most enjoyable ways to increase endorphins. Just let it all go!!

Friend is a four letter word

• I hate how it's always all about you.
• I hate how you overpower conversations with your shit.
  
• I hate how you interrupt when I talk about what's going on with me.
• I hate you unreliable you are when I do anything you ask.
• I hate how ordinary you make me feel against all of your cosmic thoughts and ideologies.
• I hate that I don't feel special around you.
• I hate how you get anything you want because you're just that good.
  
• I hate how I can't tell you when you do something wrong.
  
• I hate how if I told you any of these things, you'd cry and tell me that everyone eventually thinks the same.
• I hate how this all comes from a place of jealousy, but I'm still tired of sitting in your shadow.
• I hate that I hate these things that you do--but I feel completely driven to this point.

See? I can list all of the things I hate. Now what to do with them is the question....

"Everything is amazing right now, and nobody is happy."

Everybody take out your brain spoons and scoop a dollop of knowledge from this m-effer right here, Louis CK! Not only is this rant really hilarious, but it's also really true. Take a listen to what he has to say why don't you?

Life List

Today I saw one of those tie dye. hippie peace sign bumper stickers on the back of a limited edition Cadillac SUV. Oh the world and its filtering trends....

I'm beginning my list of things I want to do. I will keep adding to it as I see fit. I'm hoping that by keeping an updated list on this blog will help me focus on my goals more. By the end of the quarter, I expect to have done everything on my list and more.

1. Set up container garden on the porch.
2. Make a red worm compost for the garden.
3. Make rag dolls with recycled material.
4. Paint something.
5. Make more time for personal reading.
6. Stay conscious of school work. Don't procrastinate!
7. Recruit well known artist work for ART AND FIST.
8. Learn how to effectively screen print and bind books.
9. Get local businesses to support ART AND FIST.
10. Make time for yoga.
11. Have tea time frequently.

Dream Girl

In another time I would have taken
center stage at the freak show,
My untraceable face masked with
never fading Harlequin make up,
My vision clouded in a haze of
powdery deep violet.

In another time I would not have to try
to lure in the wealthy gentlemen callers.
My immaculate three breasts or sassy second head
would have beckoned the dandy men to break open
the seams binding my legs together tight.

In another time my lips would have been
stained only with the finest red dye.
And each time I took a dainty sip of lavender tea,
I would taste the poison eating away
the last rotten years of my life.

In another time the tightest corset wires
would have cut deep into my sides,
Causing my ribs to bleed delicately,
Causing my voice to sound the sweetest.

And only in another time could any surgeon
take a scalpel to my deformed chest
and slit my perfumed skin apart,
Just to find a carousel of sharp pins and needles
blossoming out from my cushioned heart.

****